He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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