Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
