I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
