The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
