we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
