My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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