I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
