My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The power of my boobs compel you
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
