So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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