I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
