I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
