just tell him i said nine months
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I would ride that face into the sunset
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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