2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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