I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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