I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
