I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
