Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
