Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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