I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
