Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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