Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
