RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
