So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
