i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
