I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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