I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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