She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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