so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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