If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
