just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
