Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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