Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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