The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
