i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize