i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
