Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
handjob tips. give me some.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
