I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
