no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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