So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
