Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the day after is always just damage control
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
