You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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