My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
