my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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