Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
