you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
