dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
