Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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