I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
