If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
