Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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