Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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