you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize