Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i barfeds in our rink
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
