there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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