did you get engaged???
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
