Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
