i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
