Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
